I was 21 and I wanted to die.
I thought that I needed to be different. That I wasn’t normal, that I was permanently trapped in a sadness that I could not control. A person really close to me , after I vomited my sadness to them, said to me that where I was in my head was ok. That I was not trapped, and I was not alone in my pursuit of isolation.
But I still wanted to die.
My darkness persisted, my pain erupted, my naiveness to my core existence and understanding of where the darkness was erupting from went undealt with. I was not ok. Eventually, by some act of God, I talked to someone professional about wanting to die. In the emerg wing of a local hospital. I don’t remember the persons name and I hardly remember the conversation. But they say hindsight is 20/20, so this next part must be that.
The truth is, there’s no one moment that creates the change we’re longing for, at least not for me. Maybe you’re the same. It’s a compiling of moments, a stacking of pain and frustration. We look at options for our wellbeing but constantly choose to set them aside. Until one day, in a fed up rage, something breaks.
Where ever you are in this moment you are ok.
There are options and you are breathing. You are ok.
For as much as that may be contradictory to the entire concept of pain.
I’m 28 now, I still hold desires of death in my heart. I’m still working through the meaning of my existence. I’m still sad, and still dark. But I’ve come a long way. And it completely starts with understanding our starting place.
It’s ok to not be ok.
You’re not wrong for hurting.
Your sadness does not make you worthless in any way. It’s ok.
When we accept our situation, we immediately find grounding. We accept being happy so quickly because of the fun good feeling of it. But we reject or worse yet, deny being sad. That leads us to a spiral in that denial. “I’m ok I’m fine, I’m not sad”. When meanwhile you’re the worse you’ve ever been.
Accept this next part as truth YOU CANNOT GET BETTER BY PRETENDING TO BE OK. You have to accept your pain. You have to admit you’re hurting. And when, after your prolonged denial of pain or failure, you will notice things begin to change. After acceptance of pain, the next step is completely in your control. In this moment you have taken back the power in your life, you’re not controlled anymore. When you are making the choices for your wellbeing your pain and suffering is bowing to you. Next steps Include things like scheduling a counselling session to talk out your pain, to dive deeper into what makes you hurt. All of which is not an act of weakness but control and strength.
This statement or saying in the photo is something I say to myself on a regular bases. When peaks of sadness erupt and thoughts of death prevail, I know I can start again, ground myself. I know I can control my next actions.
I’m not ok, and that’s ok. I am here. I’ve come along way and I’m more equipped in understanding myself than I have been. Sometimes it feels like a cycle that I’m trapped in, but I’m not trapped. Repeating action and strategies that I’ve done before is further an act of control.
Growth is possible.
You are not abandoned.
You are not decaying away to nothing.
You are you, and there is a future for you.
It’s ok to not be ok.
Thank you for still being here.
Story and words of Nick Pegg
Founder of Hashtag Hope