You Don't Deserve to Hate Yourself
Content warning: Contains moderate descriptions of self harm experiences and suicidal thoughts.
Self harm became the ever present need to create a distraction in my life. Whether that distraction took place on my wrist or my stomach, nail beds or cheek, it created a sense of calm. But right after it happened, it felt like the world just crumbled on me, an overbearing weight of guilt would flood me for what I had done. It involved this fear that became continually present. The fear came with all I did, but it also became up to me to decide how I dealt with that fear. The fears were my own, I controlled them and I overcame them just as I created them.
I self harmed. I hated myself. I lived through a whole year of self hatred, regret and despise. I hated that I did it, I hated that I felt the need to do it and I hated why I did it. Self harm isn't a taboo topic, but it makes you feel like one. It’s this feeling of the practice not being taboo, but the patient is.
I felt like no one understood, no one would help, no one would care. I hated everything in my life. I hated my arms and my stomach, I hated my friends and family. I felt alone and no one even noticed. I didn't care if people saw, which they did. I cared that no one said anything, no one cared enough to say anything.
I sat there with my arms out, ready for repercussions, but they never came, people just ignored it. It felt like it was a “been there, done that” situation, where no one cared about me. I convinced myself that no one cared, so I isolated myself. I didn't care if they cared, because I told myself they were lying to me. I didn't care if they showed concern, I didn't care if they wanted to talk about it. I didn't care. I stopped caring. And then I didn't.
I confided all of it, all the pain, the self hatred, the self sabotage, I confessed it all. And in return, I didn't get scolded, I didn't get turned away, I got embraced, accepted and treasured. I felt valuable again. My best friend taught me to love myself again, she taught me that people do care, and they shouldn't get in the way of who I am. I am worthy, I am loved, and I am self harm free for 6 months.
I'm healing, but there are still slip ups. Little thoughts that consume me for a couple of minutes, urges to hurt myself, but they never become strong enough that I reset my clock and turn my head slowly to death.
My slip ups don't compare to the pain from the weeks I contemplated facing death. They don't compare to the faded scars on my wrist from restless days. My slip ups aren't what lead me to where I am now, but they continue to remind me of how far I have come. The battle scars that still remain on my wrist and within my thoughts, pushing me further and further away from who I was.
I learned to love myself so that I could accept that others didn't. I learned to care for my body, I learned that life may throw curve balls, but you have to be ready to swing that bat and hit a home run.
“I know that there is hope in this world and I deserve to be here to see it.”
You have made it so far. You have created your own life. You are worthy of all the good that has
and is coming your way. I believe in you and all that you can accomplish. Life gets hard, that’s
undeniable, but you are stronger than those hard days. You are better because of them, they strengthen you so you can be even better on the good days.
I am proud of you. Even if you slip up, I am so proud of you. Your life is so important to me and I
can not wait to hear about all the highs and lows of it. You inspire me to do better. I am proud of
you, whether you are a couple of minutes clean, a couple of days clean, and even a couple of years clean! I am so proud of the person you are pushing to be. You deserve to be happy and proud of yourself. You deserve the world, and I can not wait to see the day where you get it.
Even if you slip up, you still tried, and that’s the amazing thing about being human, we can slip
up, but continue to try again. You can continue to try over and over again, pushing yourself
further each time to become clean for a longer period of time. Hopefully one day being able to
say that self harm or any other addiction that you have faced, is in your past, and you’re a new
person. Living a life without it.
After knowing all that I struggled with, these are some of the things I wish were told to me, that I’m now telling you, in hopes of helping you:
- You are not alone; hundreds of thousands of people are struggling with the same things you are, you aren’t singled out or being punished for anything, rather, you’re showing your strength, surviving what can be unknown.
- You matter. To so many people, you matter. Your family does love you, your friends don’t hate you, no one is out to get you, no one has this evil mastermind plan against you.
- Your life is important. It may not feel like it, you may feel like a pawn on someone else’s chess board, but you are not. You have your own unique and wonderful purpose and that makes you so important.
- Life won’t collapse on you.
- You can ask for help, help can lead to survival, and that’s what people want for you.
- You are wanted, to survive, to enjoy life, to want to be here.
- People are willing to listen, you just have to open up.
- You are not a bad person.
- Find a better way to live.
- I love you.
Psalm 94:19 “And when I was burdened with worries, you comforted me and made me feel secure.”
I am so proud of you. I love you. Continue persevering.
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